Cultivating Plasticity

In the previous articles, we explored the idea that when two people meet, it is not simply two individuals who meet. It is also two histories, two sensitivities, two defense systems and, sometimes, two neuroses. Each person enters a relationship carrying their experiences, wounds, habits, and protective mechanisms. The question then becomes: how can we avoid becoming prisoners of our own way of functioning? This is where plasticity comes in.

Plasticity Is the Ability to Move

Plasticity is the ability to change internally without losing our identity. We all have reflexes and protective mechanisms. When we feel rejected, ignored, criticized, or threatened, we often react automatically. Some people attack, others shut down. Some try to control, while others create distance. Some need immediate reassurance.

The problem is not having these reactions. They are part of our history. The problem arises when we are no longer capable of having any other response.

Plasticity begins when we can create a space between what we feel and what we do. I can feel afraid without immediately acting from that fear. I can feel hurt without attacking. I can feel jealous without trying to control. I can feel the urge to run away without necessarily leaving.

That space, however small, is already a form of freedom.

Flexibility Does Not Mean Self-Erasure

Plasticity does not mean becoming someone else in order to adapt to another person. Nor does it mean accepting everything or giving up our boundaries.

Being plastic means being able to change the way we respond without losing our center. I can remain myself while listening to the other person. I can disagree without turning disagreement into conflict. I can set a boundary without rejecting the other person. I can understand their suffering without becoming responsible for that suffering.

This is where plasticity complements flexibility. Flexibility allows us to make room for what is different. Plasticity allows us to modify our own position when necessary.

Observe Before Trying to Change

The first step in developing this capacity is observation.

What happens inside me when the other person pulls away? When I feel rejected? When I don't get what I want? What emotion appears? What thought comes immediately? What reaction do I feel compelled to have?

And above all: does this reaction actually belong to the present situation?

Our neuroses sometimes make us experience the present through the lens of the past. A current situation can awaken an old wound and trigger a reaction far stronger than the situation itself would justify.

Plasticity begins when we can make this distinction: “This is what is happening now, and this is what it is awakening in me.”

This simple awareness already creates some distance from the mechanism.

Create Space Before Reacting

Plasticity also develops when we learn to slow down.

Not responding immediately to a message that has hurt us. Not making a definitive decision in the middle of an emotional reaction. Not turning an interpretation into certainty. Not acting simply because fear is pushing us to act.

Sometimes a few seconds are enough.

This small delay allows us to step out of the reflex and recover the possibility of choice. Instead of being automatically driven by our neurosis, we can begin to ask ourselves: “What would be another way of responding?”

This is often where genuine inner freedom begins.

When Two Neuroses Meet

This capacity becomes particularly important in relationships.

When two neuroses meet, they can easily feed one another. One person pursues while the other withdraws. One tries to control while the other resists. One asks for more closeness while the other asks for more space.

Without plasticity, each person reinforces the other's mechanism.

The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more the other withdraws, the more anxious the first becomes and the more they pursue. Each person then believes that their behavior is simply a reaction to the other person's behavior.

The system can become very difficult to interrupt.

But if one of the two develops enough awareness to change their reaction, something begins to shift. The person who pursues can learn to slow down. The person who withdraws can learn to remain present. The person who controls can learn to trust. The person who feels engulfed can learn to set a boundary without disappearing.

The relationship can then gradually cease to be a confrontation between two defense systems.

Plasticity Develops Through Discomfort

It is interesting to understand that we do not really develop our plasticity when everything is going well.

It develops precisely when something bothers us.

Someone frustrates us. A situation does not unfold as expected. The other person does not respond as we hoped. We feel frustration, fear, or anger.

These moments can become opportunities to observe our own rigidity.

Instead of immediately thinking, “The other person is the problem,” we can sometimes ask ourselves: “What is this situation revealing about me?”

Where do I tense up? Where do I need to control? What can I not tolerate? What fear is hiding behind my reaction?

Discomfort then becomes information.

Plasticity Requires Tolerating Uncertainty

Another essential dimension of plasticity is the ability not to have all the answers immediately.

We often need to make sense of what is happening. But our neurosis can quickly fill areas of uncertainty with its own stories.

“He isn't answering, so he is no longer interested in me.”

“She is distancing herself, so she is going to leave me.”

“He disagrees with me, so he doesn't respect me.”

Plasticity allows us to replace certainty with possibility:

“I don't know yet.”

This sentence sounds simple, but it requires a great deal of maturity.

Not knowing. Waiting. Observing. Allowing reality to reveal itself before imposing our interpretation upon it.

The ability to tolerate this uncertainty is an important form of psychological freedom.

When Plasticity Is Missing

A relationship becomes particularly difficult when neither person is able to move internally.

Each remains trapped in their own logic:

“It's up to him to change.”

“It's up to her to understand.”

“I react this way because he pushes me to.”

“If she were different, I wouldn't be like this.”

The same conflicts then repeat themselves. The same wounds are activated. The same reactions appear. Then come the reconciliations, before the same scenario begins again.

The relationship gradually becomes a closed system in which each person confirms the other's neurosis.

This is why each person's plasticity matters. A relationship cannot be carried indefinitely by one person who keeps adapting while the other remains rigid.

One person's flexibility cannot always compensate for the other person's rigidity.

From “That's Just Who I Am” to “I Can Do It Differently”

Cultivating plasticity does not mean eliminating our neuroses. We will always have our vulnerabilities, sensitivities, and automatic patterns.

Rather, it means no longer being entirely governed by them.

Moving from:

“That's just who I am.”

to:

“I tend to function this way, but I can do things differently.”

This difference is fundamental.

It means that our past influences us without necessarily determining our present completely.

And perhaps this is one of the deepest forms of relational maturity: being flexible enough to make room for the other person, conscious enough to recognize what belongs to us, and plastic enough to evolve through our relationship.

Because when two people who are capable of moving internally meet, they are no longer forced to repeat their old stories.

They can begin to write a new one.